Will They Really Love Y-O-U???

It's been a while since my last blog.  I have been going through a lot spiritually and have been in a process of healing and I am finally on the other side of healing and freedom. 

I have been thinking a lot about love.  Not love in the romantic since, eros (in the Greek), but true love, godly love, agape (in the Greek) love, which is an unconditional love.  This, I believe is the highest and most perfect form of love.  But, how many of you can say that outside of your family members you have friends and significant others who truly love you, the real you, not the romanticized or ideal you, but the hot, jacked up, mess you?  The truth is that most of us are messy lumps of clay that are being formed and molded as we learn, grow and develop. 

An acronym for Y-O-U came to me this weekend.  We use acronyms a lot in Celebrate Recovery.  Here is the acronym:

    Yoke
    Overcoming
issUes

Often, we have at least one yoke that we struggle with whether it's as small as nail biting, nagging, or as big as relationship, food, sex or drug addictions.  A yoke is wooden crosspiece that is fastened over the necks of two animals and attached to the plow or cart that they are to pull.  Once it is attached the animals cannot move freely and they have to go in the same direction in order to move.  In other words the animal's freedom is taken until the yoke is removed. 

In Hebrew the word yoke is motah and it is used to denote severe bondage or affliction.  Could we and do we love others through their yokes?  You see many of us are overcoming something if we are not in denial about it.  This means that we are working through our yokes.  This may be a continual process for many of us.  Often when we have overcome one yoke then the Holy Spirit reveals to us another issue that we have to work through.  We will never have arrived to the place of perfection until the Perfect One returns.  Jesus knew that in this fallen world that we would have issues and yokes and that is why He said for us to take on His yoke and that it was easy and light because any other yoke is a burden and is often spiritually oppression. 

We need agape love to have deep, meaningful, lasting relationships.  Agape love is based on choices and behaviors rather than emotions and feelings. Eros love is based on emotions and feelings and emotions and feelings are fickle.  They change from moment to moment.  One who loves with an agape love is able to love someone past the yokes and/or issues.  They are able to love someone while they are overcoming.  They can understand that there is good and bad in everyone.  They can accept that people have strengths and weaknesses.  We can be transparent with people who love us with an agape love without fear. 

I personally choose to be as transparent as possible with everyone I come in contact with.  I no longer put on a mask when I meet people.  Before recovery I wore a mask all the time.  Now I want them to know the real me early in the relationship whether it a friendship or something more.  I want them to know my weakness, my faults, my issues, and my yoke(s) because I want them to get the real Kim, not a representative of Kim, but Kim.  I am learning that some people will be able to handle the real me and some won't.   I am truly thankful for those in my life who love me past my issues, call me on my stuff, forgive me when I admit my wrongs, and celebrate with me when I overcome. 

I Found My Voice!

I finally found my voice!  I now have positive self-talk that is louder than the negative.  My positive self-talk is now outweighing the negative.  It has taken over 40 years for me to get here and some years of recovery.  It has also been a process of taking healthy risks. 

Growing up I heard so many negative, degrading things from family and "friends" about my body, my talents, my looks.  "You're so bony, your neck is too long, your chin is too long, you can't sing, just to name a few."  So, I adopted these as my own. 

These things that I heard growing up became part of my self-talk and therefore became my belief system about who I thought I was.  So, I needed recovery not only from the past sexual abuse, rape & codependency, but also from those voices of the past that became part of me.  Those voices were never true, but because I heard them from those closest to me I believed that they were.  Growing up those voices affected my growth, ambition, development, confidence, self-worth and my self-esteem.

I avoided singing solos because I lacked confidence due to believing what I heard about my singing.  Now I can't sing enough solos!  I now understand that singing is the gift that God gave me and I need to share this gift with others.  He gave me this voice and to not use it, appreciate it, or even to compare it to others is disrespectful to God.

Today, I am more confident than ever and no longer seek to find my validation in others or in the words of others.  I now realize that others saw the greatness that God put in me and they probably just couldn't handle it. 

I edify myself through positive self-talk.  How about you?  Whose voices are you listening to, your own positive self-talk or the negative voices that you heard growing up?  If it's the latter you can change it starting today.  Don't allow those voices to stifle the greatness that God put in you. 

 

Frugal Beauty Tip #2

Did you know that 90% of household dust is actually dead skin cells?  Eeeww!!!  I know.  You can combat that and have great looking, healthy skin by simply exfoliating at least once a week.  If you deal with acne or have oily skin then you should exfoliate at least twice a week.  

What is exfoliation?  Exfoliation is the practice of removing dead skin cells from the epidermis or the top layer of skin.  Skin can shed 30,000 to 40,000 dead cells per minute naturally; however many of us need exfoliation products to help skin shed, to reduce acne and get smooth, soft, healthy looking skin. Exfoliation practices are different for the body and the face.

Here are some ways to exfoliate your body:

• Use a body scrub (evasive is preferred) 
• Use a body mask
• Use body wash and an exfoliating glove
• Use body wash and an exfoliating body scrunchy
• Use a pumice stone (feet only)

Here are some ways to exfoliate your face:

• Use a scrub that is non evasive (gentle)
• Use a facial brush
• Use a mask
• Use exfoliating facial pads

There are many benefits to exfoliating.  

1. Less household dust, less housework, yaaaa!!!!
2. Younger looking skin
3. Less problems with acne
4. healthier looking skin

The frugal beauty tip benefit to exfoliating is that your skin is better able to absorb your moisturizers, lotions, body butters therefore you'll use less product which will save you money. Also making your own scrubs and masks can save you money as well.

Here are two recipes that you can make at home to exfoliate your body and face.

You'll need the following for making a body scrub:

1 cup of organic virgin coconut oil

1 cup of pink Himalayan or Epsom salt

1/4 cup of coconut oil

15 drops of your favorite essential oil (s)

Directions:

1. Melt coconut oil in microwave or over a double broiler
2. Once melted remove from heat
3. Add the 1/4 cup of coconut oil and the pink Himalayan or Epsom salt
4. Stir until combined
5. Add essential oil (s)
6. Let sit until it solidifies stirring every 10 minutes or put it in the fridge to speed up the process
7. Stir until well combined and then put in an airtight container
8. To use rub on skin and rinse with warm water

You'll need the following for making a facial mask for use with all skin types:
Half of a banana
1 tablespoon of orange juice
1 tablespoon of honey

Directions:

1. Mix all of the above ingredients well
2. Apply to face avoiding the eyes & lips
3. Keep on for at least 15 minutes
4. Rinse with lukewarm water
5. Then moisturize

Enjoy beautiful, healthy skin!!!

"He Says Come as You Are."

"He says come as you are."  This is a common phrase that you hear people say when referring to going to church.  They are often talking about attire.  The funny thing is this phrase is no where to be found in the Bible.

Although, God invites us using the word "come" more than 2,000 times in the Bible.  So, God is definitely inviting us to come to Him, not just to come to church.  He also does want us to come as we are.  The real us, the hot jacked up mess, us.   Coming as we are has nothing to do with our attire, because God is more concerned with what's on the inside than the outside.  He looks into our hearts. John 4:24 say, "God is a Spirit: and they that worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth.

We aren't truly worshiping Him if we are pretending to be something that we are not.  This may be one of the reasons many people are so turned off by professed, church going Christians.  So many of them are in denial and put on a mask daily before they leave the house.  I know because I was one of them until I found a recovery program.  I put on a mask to hide the shame and guilt of my past, the pain I felt in the unhealthy marriage, and so many other things.  In the picture above of me and my former husband, I was wearing a mask. You would never have know that we argued the night before this picture was taken and just minutes before it was taken.  I was a pro at putting on that mask, but this isn't what God wants for any of us.

So....
if you are an alcoholic, come anyway
if you are a drug addict, come anyway
if you are an over eater, come anyway
if you are promiscuous, come anyway
if you are addicted to pornography, come anyway
if you are controlling, come anyway
if you have been raped, come anyway
if you have been sexually abused or molested, come anyway
if you abuse others, come anyway
if you have murdered others literally or with your tongue (gossip), come anyway
if you are jealous or envious of others, come anyway
if your are manipulative, come anyway
if you are passive aggressive, come anyway
if you don't trust, come anyway
if you are an enabler, come anyway
if you are codependent, come anyway
if you have love & relationship addiction, come anyway
if you are still clubbing, come anyway
if you are a sex addict, come anyway
If you put on a mask to hide hurt, shame, guilt, come anyway

Whatever your issue is only God can fix it.  We tend to think, "Oh, I will come to Him after I finish sowing my wild oats or I will come to him when I get myself together."  No, you can't get yourself together, none of us can, only He can do that for you.  Jesus, said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.'  For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

So, just simply come to Him.  He has been inviting you.  It will be the best decision you'll ever make in your life.

#Cleancupinsideandout

Are You Owning Your Own Feelings?

Let's face it ladies, we are the more emotional counterpart.  We sometimes find it hard to even know why we are feeling emotional.  Often we don't even know how we are feeling.  

There are even times when we make decisions based on someone else's feelings.  Do you realize that this is crossing over the other person's emotional boundaries by taking responsibility for their feelings?  We can do this when we make a decision based on how they would or how we perceive that they would feel even though we may not want to make the decision.  This is also not taking responsibility for our own feelings which can cause us feelings of resentment.  This also may affect our ability to live correctly and freely because we are not doing whatever it is based on our own feelings, but on the feelings of others.   

According to Dr. Henry Cloud, our feelings whether good or bad are out property and they fall within our boundaries.  If we feel responsible for other people's feelings, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right.  Taking responsibility for other people's feelings often causes us to disobey God.  

This is not to say that we should not be sensitive to other people's feelings about our choices.  Being sensitive to other people's feelings about our choices and taking responsibility for how they feel about our choices are two entirely different things.  

For example, if my mother wants me to come home to Baltimore for Thanksgiving and I really want to stay in Richmond for the holiday, but I decide to go to Baltimore because I don't want my mother to feel disappointed or unhappy with me then I have made a choice based on how my mother would feel and not how I feel.  This isn't taking responsibility for my feelings, but instead for the feelings of my mother.  Further, if I tell my mother that I want to stay in Richmond and she crying and feeling sad and every time I talk to her she makes a comment about my staying in Richmond for Thanksgiving then she is attempting to control me with her feelings and then I choose to go to Baltimore again I am still taking responsibility for my mother's feelings.  If we are dealing with mature people then they will process their own feelings, but if they aren't mature then they will blame us for their feelings or try to control us with them.  Regardless, their feelings are not our responsibility.  The responsibility of dealing with feelings lies with the one having them.

If we take responsibility for our feelings we can use them to:

• solve problems
• make our relationships better
• let go of grudges
• live a life of freedom
• practice good boundary systems for ourselves & others
• feel happier

If you struggle in the area of feelings, here are some great books:

Changes That Heal, by Dr. Henry Cloud

Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Living Beyond Your Feelings, by Joyce Meyer

Frugal Beauty Tip #1

Hey Ladies, have you ever cracked up your eye shadow or your blush and found it so hard to use that it's just taking up space in your make-up bag?  Did you end up just throwing it away?

Well, don't throw away your money!  Make-up can be very expensive nowadays.  You can repurpose those cracked eye shadows and/or blushes.  Be sure that it's a color that would look good as a lipstick, i.e. browns, golds, pinks, and reds.  I'm going to show you how to create long wearing lipstick with those cracked items.

Here's what you need to get stared:

• Petroleum jelly
• Cotton swabs
• Tootbrush
• Cracked make-up item (s)
• Small container to hold repurposed lipwear

Here are the steps to create your new lipstick:

1. Use the end of the toothbrush to smash up the product until it's the consistency of a powder
2. Take the cotton swab to scoop out some protroleum jelly (about the size of a medium grape)
3. Mix the potroleum jelly and the product together until you don't see anymore lumps, you may have to add more potroleum jelly
4. Enjoy

Because the product is powder based it will last longer than regular lipstick or gloss.

Enjoy being a girl!!!!

"Ladies, Don't Let this Happen to You!"

It's maxi and sun dress season.  This is a good thing and also a very bad thing if we don't do things right.  As you can see in the above pictures these are examples of embracing the maxi & sundress season the wrong way.  We don't want our panty lines showing, nor do we want anyone to see straight through our dresses.  We want to keep our goodies a cherished secret.  Also, there is nothing more embarrassing than taking a moment to rest in the cool of the shade and then get up and feel that dress wedgie.  Then we look around and hope that no one else saw it and pull it out quickly as possible.

Well, ladies, there is an undergarment that can correct all of these issues and it doesn't cost a lot.  You might be able to go to Auntie's or Grandma's dresser to find one and it just might be free!  It's called a slip.  I am not sure when it went out of style but it never should have.  I see so many who could benefit from one and sometimes I tell them if they are teenagers because that's when my Aunt Sarah taught me about the benefits of wearing one.  If she never would have told me I probably would have continued to allow that uncomfortable feeling of the dress going between my legs when I walked.  My Aunt Sarah simply said to me, "A slip would stop all of that."  A slip also helps smooth out your frame under the dress.  So, I went out and bought two of them and I have been using them ever since.

There is nothing old fashion about a slip.  It's a small price to pay to avoid a big fashion don't!  When a woman makes the above fashion faux pas it truly takes away from the style, femininity and elegance of any dress.

You can buy a slip as low as $2.70 on Amazon.  You can also find them at Sears, JC Penny, Khols, Nordstrom's, & Macy's.  Here is the link to purchase from Amazon:

 http://www.amazon.com/b?ie=UTF8&node=1044964

Happy Maxi & Sundress Season!!!  It's fun being a girl!  Enjoy!!!!!

I'm Not One of "Those" People...

What is recovery anyway????  Well, recovery is one of the most misunderstood and beneficial things that one can do for themselves.  I once read somewhere that everyone should be in some type of self-improvement program. Well, recovery is that and so much more and if that is the case then recovery is definitely the answer.

It's more than reinventing oneself.  Recovery is a lifestyle of living life free of any baggage-hurts, habits, or hang-ups. It is the guidelines or a spiritual remedy for a total overhaul of ourselves; our personality, our character, our coping mechanisms, our boundary systems, our thinking, and the difference between us being reactive (negative) and proactive (positive).  It's a way of looking at oneself through a magnifying glass, it's self-examination, self-evaluation, and self-improvement.

Recovery is for the divorced, the abused (physically, emotionally, sexually, or verbally), the raped, those who have been pleasing others to the point where it's surpassing their own self-care, the sex addicts, the over-spender (debting), those who want to control everything and everyone around them; it's for those who are not living a prosperous life.  We need recovery from anything that is blocking our way to living an abundant life.

To often the church only focuses on the spiritual well being of the person.  We are triune beings, we live in a body, we possess a soul (mind, will, and emotions), and we have a spirit.  Unfortunately, the soul is often the part about which that the church forgets.  Recovery focuses on the soul.  There are two Bible verses that I think of when I think of recovery.  The first is Philippians 2:12 where it talks about working out our salvation with fear and; trembling and the second is  3 John 1:2 which says, beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.  These are truly recovery verses.

That's what we do in recovery.  We focus on our souls so that we can be prospers in relationship with ourselves, God, and others.  How can your soul be prosperous (your mind, your will, and your emotions) if you don't attend to them?  

Many people think that recovery is just for alcoholics and addicts, "Those" people, but recovery is for anyone whose hurts are greater than their fears.  Anyone who gets to the point where the pain is too much to bare and who no longer care what anyone else thinks about them.  Anyone who just wants to be relieved of the pain and the unmanageability of their lives.  This is when we seek recovery, when our lives seem to be crumbling all around us.

What drew me to recovery was codependent behaviors (I will discuss codependency later). I started my recovery program over five years ago and have not looked back since.  I attend a Christian recovery program and sometime a secular one called Codependents Anonymous.  This programs have helped me to face the horrible tragedies, the pain, the guilt, and the shame that I carried for so many years.  They also helped me to build and maintain healthy boundaries which in turn all helped me to develop healthier relationships.

If you haven't considered a recovery program, you should at least think about it.  Ask yourself these simple questions:

1. Do I take responsibility for my actions?
2. Do I live in the moment?
3. Do I mind my own business?
4. Do I respect other's "No"?
5. Do I respect other's right to their decisions?
6. Do I have to always be busy doing something or helping others?
7. Do I have to do something that is unhealthy for me daily?

If you answered no to any of these questions, please consider a recovery program.  You won't regret it.

No Shame Here

This is my first blog post ever!  I am finally stepping out on faith and doing some of the things God has told me to do.  This is a picture that I saw on Facebook.  It is a small quote, but packed full of power!

I used to be ashamed of being sexually abused multiple times by a woman and several men.  I used to be ashamed of being raped at age 11.  I never dealt with these things and kept them a secret because of the fear, guilt and shame until I was well into my adult years. For so many years I thought that these things were somehow my fault.

I heard it once said by one of my good friends from church that, "If you don't deal with IT, IT will deal with you."  This was such a true statement for me.  I developed all kinds of character defects because I didn't deal with these things.

Thank God that I was introduced to recovery.  Through recovery I dealt with these difficult things and more.  I let go of the shame because Jesus bore my shame on the cross over 2000 years ago.  This revelation gave me the courage to face these horrible things and even to share what I have been through with others and encourage others.

I hope that this blog will be a source of encouragement, inspiration, and a place for you to glean.  I will be discussing mostly recovery issues as well as beauty and image tips for women.  Please let others know about the blog and visit often.